I Never Left
by RainbowDiamonds
Summary: While most choose to celebrate Valentine's Day on shore leave, Captain Kendall Knight prefers to stay behind on the ship and lose himself in the past. Some might think it unhealthy, but for Kendall it's the only way he can survive. Crossover with Star Trek: TNG. Slash.


A/N—Notes, notes, notes, a lot of notes for this one. First let me make it clear that this is NOT for the Valentine's Day challenge. This was my original idea for that but I decided to go with the other story instead. This one is just because the idea popped into my head and wouldn't go away.

Second, important warning that this story involves character death. I know a lot of people don't like to read that, and I never thought I'd write it, so if you choose not to read I completely understand.

Third, this is technically a crossover with Star Trek: The Next Generation. I've never written anything in that fandom before so if there are mistakes or things that don't mesh with the canon of that, forgive me. That's why I'm not listing it as a crossover, because I don't feel confident enough that I did the Star Trek world justice. This is just a one shot and won't be added to. And while it wasn't intentional, I realized upon reread that this story has elements of Side1ways' "The New Frontier" in it. If you like Star Trek and haven't read that one, you should!

Fourth, if you've never watched ST:TNG, you should still be able to follow this okay. Just know that the Holodeck is a space on a starship that is basically for virtual reality. They use it for training, recreation, to run through scenarios, etc. Being inside a Holodeck program feels, looks, and sounds like reality to the people inside it. Usually before they enter it, they change into appropriate attire for the chosen setting but I changed that for this story.

Anything else? I guess I should explain that an empath is someone who can sense/feel the emotions of others, sometimes so strongly that it's overwhelming. And lastly, a huge thank you to my beta for supporting me on this one (and all my stories, really) because I wasn't sure how a story like this would be received.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! :D I hope you spread some love today.

* * *

"Captain, the ship is reversing position. They're backing down."

"Good." Kendall nodded at the intel from his tactical advisor. "They know they can't win against a ship this size. Take us down to yellow alert and remove that when they're a safe distance away. Ensign Knight? Anything else we need to be aware of?"

His sister glanced back from her seat at the navigation console. "No, Captain. Everything is clear. No threats in our vicinity."

It always felt weird to Kendall when Katie addressed him as "Captain" but he imagined it was the same for her when he used the term "Ensign Knight." "Beautiful. Put us back on course for Risa so that we can all enjoy a much-needed shore leave for the holiday."

"Aye, Captain. We'll be there in less than two hours at warp five."

"Make it warp six. I don't think anyone would mind getting there a little earlier, hmm?" A rare smile graced the captain's face as he turned to his second in command. "Commander Steel, you have the bridge. I do not wish to be bothered until we've arrived at Risa."

"Understood, Captain."

Steel was getting better, Kendall supposed. As he stepped off the bridge and onto a Turbolift, he had to admit to himself that the man wasn't quite as rigid as he'd been upon arrival six months before, on the day Kendall had been promoted to Captain. Who knew, perhaps six months from now the man might actually crack a smile. The commander knew his duties and did them well, and that was most important; it wasn't necessary to have a sparkling personality in order to perform his job.

Kendall put thoughts of Steel aside as he exited the Turbolift and headed for the place he lived to be whenever possible. Duties kept him away far too long for his taste, but just like Steel, he had a job to perform and people depending on his decisions for survival. Perhaps while everyone was celebrating the quaint tradition of Valentine's Day on the resort planet of Risa, he'd just stay here on the ship and spend it in his favorite place with his favorite person. After all, there was no one he'd rather be with on Valentine's Day, right?

"Captain."

Kendall halted, his shoulders slumping. He knew that voice, recognized the judgement (and concern, if he was honest with himself) in it before the doctor continued.

"Are you going to the Holodeck again?"

And there it was, just a slight emphasis on the last word. _Again_. He was definitely being judged, and by an inferior officer no less. Of course, it just happened to be an officer who possessed the power to relieve him of command should he show signs of mental or physical illness, so he should probably care more what the man thought. Still, he was annoyed as he spun around to face the ship's head doctor. "Is that a professional question, Dr. Mitchell?"

Logan had the decency to look away, his hands fidgeting together. "I'm not questioning your mental capacity, sir."

"Are you sure? Because it sounds like you're about to lecture me."

Dropping protocol, Logan closed the distance between them and spoke quietly. "Kendall, I'm worried about you. You've been using it more often lately and I just...I'm concerned about your emotional state. Holodecks have been proven to act as a drug for some people. They actually develop an addiction to it and lose interest in reality and I don't want to see that happen to you!"

Kendall sighed deeply, wishing he could be angry at Logan for challenging his decisions but he couldn't—Logan was his best friend. "Do I seem to be suffering any ill effects from it? Is my performance deteriorating in any way due to my visits?"

"Well...no. You actually seem happier afterward, like it rejuvenates you."

"It does," Kendall agreed. "_He _does. Don't deny me this, Logan. You know what it means to me, better than anyone else."

"I'm not denying you," Logan said sadly. "I wouldn't do that. I just don't want you to lose yourself in something that isn't real."

"It's real." Kendall's voice went down a notch as he spoke vehemently. "I know you don't understand, I wouldn't expect you or anyone else to. But what happens in there is real to me and I need it. I'm well aware it's all in my mind, and the truth is I don't care. I'm not blurring reality and fantasy. I'm escaping reality for a set period of time in order to maintain my sanity. Some read books to do that, others go to a resort or let off steam at the bar. I do this. It's the only way I can cope with my reality and if you take that away from me, I'll be of no use to anyone."

"Kendall, I'm not taking it away. I just told you, I wouldn't—"

"Then why did you stop me?"

Logan closed his eyes in a bid for patience. He licked his lips and answered, "Because I don't know how healthy it is. You've never really talked about it or expressed grief. You just...carried on."

"I had to. I have a ship to run, there are lives and an entire federation depending on me. I couldn't stop to grieve."

"But Kendall...grieving is healthy. It's natural. You can't just pretend it never happened."

"I don't." Kendall swallowed hard, emotions he hated just under the surface. "When I'm alone in my quarters at night, I'm well aware that it happened. That's when I do my grieving, Logan. Just because I don't share it with others, that doesn't mean it isn't happening."

Logan nodded, eyes downcast. "Okay. Can I just...?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Go ahead. You're going to anyway."

"Just know that I'm here if you ever need to talk. So is Carlos, I mean that's basically his second job as a bartender anyway. He listens to everyone's problems and gives great advice. He'd never repeat anything you said, not even to me."

"I know. And I appreciate that. I really do." Kendall looked down the hall, feeling the pull that always drew him closer as he neared the Holodeck. Peace was waiting.

"Go. I know you're dying to. But do me a favor? Promise me that when we get to Risa you won't stay on the ship the entire time? Come out and explore the city with me and Carlos. Even just for a few hours. I think it would do you good. Carlos heard about a restaurant there that he really wants to try."

"I don't want to intrude on your Valentine's Day celebrations with him, Logan."

"Oh trust me, we'll get our time together," Logan grinned. "We'll kick you out when we need to."

"And let me run back to my ship?"

Logan nodded. "Sure. But only after you spend some time with us, the way we used to before..."

Pain sliced through Kendall, raw and unflinching. "I need to go."

"Okay."

Kendall made it five steps before Logan hailed him again. "Kendall."

"What?!" Kendall exclaimed, spinning back in frustration.

"We all miss him, you know. You don't have to carry this burden by yourself."

Damn Logan for doing what nobody else in the universe could—bring him to tears. He blinked them away, angry at the sadness he was feeling in a moment when he should be excited for his upcoming meeting. "Come get me when we reach Risa," he managed.

"We will. Say hi for us, okay?"

Kendall didn't reply. He just turned away while scrubbing tears from his eyes. He couldn't reach the Holodeck fast enough.

* * *

And yet once he arrived at the entrance, he hesitated. He couldn't go in like this, an emotional wreck. It was Valentine's Day, after all, and he had plans.

After taking some time to compose himself, Kendall said, "Computer. Run program 7161102. Date of February 14th. Enger Park, Duluth, Minnesota."

An automated voice responded. "Program complete. You may enter."

Kendall closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, letting the peace of knowing he was about to be with his favorite person envelop him. When he stepped closer, the doors slid open with a hiss and he crossed the threshold.

Space was gone. All signs of the ship and reality disappeared to be replaced by a chilly breeze blowing through a park that Kendall had visited many times before joining Starfleet. He'd learned to play baseball here, learned to ride a swing. He'd taught his sister how to do those same things on this very grass and made too many memories to count.

He'd shared his first kiss right up there in the stone tower that overlooked the park. He wouldn't leave today until he'd done it again.

"Computer. Outfit 26. Toss in a jacket as well, that wind is cold."

"Program adapted."

Immediately Kendall felt warmer in the sweater and heavy jeans he was now clothed in. His regulation uniform and shoes were nowhere to be seen, and the hiking boots hugged his feet just right. Of course it was his favorite jacket, because the author of this program had tailored it to Kendall's specific liking, and no one knew him better.

"Set up a picnic lunch in the top of the tower, along with pillows and warm blankets. All of his favorite foods."

"Program adapted."

"And...give me a bouquet of roses. Just because he's sentimental like that."

"Program adapted."

A dozen crimson flowers appeared in his hand and he smiled. Yes, this would do perfectly. "Where is he?"

"Counselor Diamond is currently approaching the park on foot. He will be reaching the east entrance in thirty-two seconds."

"East entrance..." Kendall mumbled. "Computer, put a handmade sign under that window. Make it look like someone painted a large red heart on a white sheet as a beacon."

"Program adapted."

Kendall grinned at the heart that James couldn't miss. He ran as fast as he could toward the tower, ignoring the beauty of the park for the moment; he could enjoy that another day. He reached the top of the steps only slightly out of breath and peeked out the window, his face lighting up when he spied a man trudging across the grass while huddled into a leather jacket and a scarf. The man stopped long enough to look around, then he noted the sign before his gaze traveled further up to spot Kendall. A smirk creased his lips.

"Couldn't you have picked somewhere warmer?" was called out to Kendall.

"Nope! Suffer! And hurry, our food's getting cold!" Kendall laughed when he saw his boyfriend's mouth moving in what were most likely curses. "Did I mention there are warm blankets up here?"

"What?! That should've been the first thing you said!" Long legs carried him closer to the tower at a jog, and Kendall's heart beat harder in time with the sound of boots pounding up the steps. It was always like this the first time he saw that face again, like a dream that was so intense he couldn't breathe. It seemed forever before the body ducked through the stone arch and bright hazel eyes locked onto Kendall's.

And as always, Kendall lost the ability to speak for a moment when his former Counselor/best friend/love of his life smiled at him. "Hey, babe. Aww, are those for me?"

The roses. Right. Kendall had forgotten about them. He held them out now, hand trembling. "Duh. I know you love your cheesy symbols of romance."

"Shut up, they're gorgeous!" James hugged the bouquet to his chest before inhaling the scent. "And they smell so good. Wait, is that a picnic? Where is this romantic side of you coming from? I seem to recall you having to take advice from your mom about what to do for Valentine's Day. Is this all her idea?"

"No," Kendall chuckled. "This time it's all me. I figure you're worth a little romance once in awhile."

"Oh, only once in awhile? I see how it is." But James wasn't really bothered; his cheeks were flushed with happiness and his eyes were full of affection. He dragged Kendall in with his free hand for a kiss that reduced Kendall to a pile of mush and hormones, Kendall's hands needy now that James was in his arms.

And did it matter that all of this was computer-generated, that the body in his arms was nothing but a hologram? Not in the slightest, because Kendall could feel the blood coursing through James' veins, could smell the scent that belonged only to him, could run his fingers through hair so soft it was like tangling his fingers in puffy clouds.

"Mmm, somebody's in a naughty mood," James teased. "Slow down there, tiger, I want to enjoy this picnic before we get freaky."

"There's no rush," Kendall promised. "We've got as long as we want." And that was true, because even if they were interrupted, Kendall could just freeze the program and return to it as if he'd never left.

"Really? You're not gonna get called away on captain's business like you always do when we finally get time alone?"

"Not this time." Kendall tilted James' face down just enough for a deep kiss. "I'm all yours."

"You haven't been 'all mine' since we joined Starfleet, Kendall. We both know our duty comes first."

Kendall shook his head. "Not this time," he said again. "I'm not leaving this tower until we're both so worn out we can hardly move."

"I like the sound of that," James winked. He sank down on the blanket and scooted back against the curved wall, setting his roses aside gently. When he patted the space next to him, Kendall eagerly joined him. James kicked off his boots and waited for Kendall to do the same before covering them both with a blanket and snuggling in. His head on Kendall's shoulder, he said, "Wow, you even brought champagne?"

"Why not? It's Valentine's Day. Let's celebrate our love."

James studied him suspiciously. "You're weird today. Are you gonna propose to me or something? Is that what this is all about?"

"No, but now I'm wishing I'd thought of that. You know I always intended to marry you, right?"

"Intended to? I think you mean _intend to_. As in, it's going to happen. Not like...it _was_ going to happen. It's going to, Kendall. You're going to ask me and I'm going to say yes and one day we'll retire from Starfleet and raise a bunch of kids and...why are you getting sad? Kendall, do you not want kids?"

Kendall had to look away. "Of course I want kids with you."

"Okay. You _are_ going to retire while we're still young enough to do that, right?"

Kendall swallowed. "There's nothing I want more."

James' gaze narrowed. "Then why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad."

James leveled him with a look of disbelief. "Kendall, I'm an empath. You know you can't lie to me about your feelings. That's literally what I do. I read feelings. Talk to me."

Damn James and his ability to sense the feelings of others. It was what had spurred Kendall into their first kiss, James knowing he wanted it but refusing to initiate it himself because "I want to be swept off my feet. Kiss me and mean it, Kendall." And Kendall had. He'd kissed James so hard he didn't think they'd ever stop, and by the time they did half their clothes were off and they were about to go at it in a tower in a park where anyone could walk in at any time. That sobered them both up long enough to return to his childhood home where they could take things further. Kendall would forever remember bringing James to Duluth for the first time so that his mother and sister could meet the man he talked about nonstop in his messages back home.

They'd shared their first kiss here, and returned whenever they could get time away from the Academy during their training. It made sense that James had chosen this place when designing the program, as he knew some of Kendall's best memories were made in this park.

Now he wanted to return to those memories, or at least make new ones in the same place, but James wasn't going to let this go; James _never_ let things go. "Babe, can't we just enjoy a nice day together? I mean, I brought your favorite meals."

"Kendall..." James moved away enough to shift around and face him. "You do this every time."

"Do what?"

"You show up on our dates and you're so happy. You act like it's been forever since we saw each other and you can't keep your hands off me, not that I'm complaining about _that_, and things are perfect—at least for a little while. Then you always get sad, like for no reason you just shut down and won't talk to me and pretend things are fine when inside you're dying. You think I can't feel that? You think it doesn't devastate me when I feel the emptiness and pain inside you? I keep trying to pinpoint what it is that brings it on and I can't. You're fine one minute, and the next you're wanting to cry but you won't tell me why. How am I supposed to help you if you won't open up to me?"

It was time to go. They usually made it much longer than this before the sadness crept back in and Kendall was forced to leave "on captain's business." He hadn't even been here for fifteen minutes this time. He was usually better at suppressing the pain. He blamed Logan for making him face things he was trying to avoid; today he hadn't been able to hide the loneliness from James. Maybe he could come back later and start the program over once he had control of his feelings. He started to stand. "I'm sorry, I have to—"

"No! No, don't you dare leave!" James pulled him back down to the blanket. "I'm sick of this! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell is wrong. If you don't want to marry me—"

"James, are you insane? Of course I want to marry you!"

"Then what is it? What sets you off every time? Why aren't you happy with me anymore?"

"I am! The only time I_ am_ happy is when I'm with you!"

"That's a lie, because I feel it right now. You're scared and you're sad and you're hiding something from me and this isn't you! You've never hidden things from me. What's going on, Kendall? Why won't you talk to me?"

It was the way James' voice broke on the last sentence that in turn broke Kendall. He hated that he was upsetting James so much. He pulled James into his arms and shattered in a way he never had before. His body shook as he held James tight, sobs breaking free in a flood. "I love you. I love you so much. I miss you so much I can't breathe."

"What?" Now James was crying too, not from his own sadness but from the overwhelming waves of suffering that he felt in Kendall. Nobody could live through so much pain, how was Kendall even functioning? "What are you talking about? I'm right here."

Words were beyond Kendall. Keening sobs continued to escape while James rocked him. "Babe, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Why are you full of so much grief?"

"I can't do this anymore," Kendall choked out. "I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't want to do this without you anymore."

"Kendall..." It took some time, but James was finally able to push Kendall away enough to look into his eyes. "Babe. Please. You being in this much pain, it's killing me. I don't understand."

"I know." Kendall sniffed loudly and wiped his nose on a napkin. "I know you don't. Because I always leave before the sadness takes over. I just want our time together to be happy."

James' tears were beginning to taper off. "Are you...did it happen? Are you being promoted to Admiral?"

Kendall shook his head.

"So then you're being relocated. You're leaving me."

"No. No, you know I'd fight to take you with me if that was the case. We promised to stay together no matter where we're sent."

James licked his lips, mind working. "Then...why are you leaving me?"

"I'm not. James..."

"Well, I'm sure as hell not leaving _you_."

Tears squeezed past Kendall's lids. "I wish that was true. But you already did."

Silence. When Kendall opened his eyes, it was to see James looking around at their surroundings. "Oh my god."

Kendall waited for James to puzzle it out; he was smart about this sort of thing, it was only a matter of time.

"There's never anybody here. No kids, no dogs...there aren't cars in the parking lot, either. It's always just you and me. How did I not notice that before?"

Kendall held his breath.

"It's the program. We're in the program I made you, aren't we? Computer, end program."

Nothing changed. James tried again. "Computer! End program!"

"Babe, it's not gonna...it won't respond to you."

"Because...I'm dead. That's the only reason you would be in this program. I told Carlos to give you the code if anything ever happened to me. Because I knew, I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it."

It was true. Kendall _wasn't_ handling it. He'd shoved it out of his mind as best he could, only allowing his feelings to erupt at night or in this program where the scenery and time might change, but James never did. James was his constant now as he had been in life. He broke down again without warning, not as violently this time but the pain was just as intensely raw.

James slid him over onto his lap so that he could hold Kendall and comfort him as he cried. "I'm here."

He wasn't, and they both knew it, but as Kendall had told Logan, it was real to him.

"I swore I'd never leave you, Kendall. That's why I made this program. I wanted you to be able to visit me whenever you needed to. Because I knew you'd need to, just as I would've in your position."

Kendall nudged his face against James' shoulder. "Did you make a program for yourself, too? In case anything ever happened to me?"

"I didn't, actually. Because I knew nothing would ever happen to you."

"How could you be so sure?"

"Because I wouldn't let it. I'd do anything to protect you, which means I would be the one to go first."

Kendall let loose a broken sob and started pounding on James' chest. "And I hate you for it. I fucking hate you for doing it! You should've let me die, I can't do this without you!"

"You're not without me. I'm right here. I'm always right here, and this version of me can't die."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Kendall yelled. "You died, James! You had to be a fucking hero and throw yourself in front of a phaser! Do you really think living without you is better than death?"

"Kendall," James soothed, rubbing Kendall's back. "You have a destiny. You have so many lives to save and new places to discover and the Federation needs you."

"Well, _I _need _you_!"

"I know. That's why I didn't leave you without a way to spend time with me. I wouldn't do that to you. And come on, did you really expect me to see a phaser blast pointed at you and do nothing?"

"You should've," Kendall sniffed. "Then I wouldn't be living in this hell."

"No, I would be instead. And we both know I'm not strong enough to survive without you. If one of us had to go, it needed to be me."

Kendall wanted to argue with James, to scream at him about how wrong he was, but that was the thing about James—when it came to events of this nature, James was never wrong.

"Does this happen every time?"

"What?" Kendall asked.

"Do we go through this every time, and then you restart the program as if it's brand new so I don't remember that I'm dead?"

"No. This is the first time I ever told you."

James nodded. "And I'm assuming you don't talk to anyone about it?"

"About what?"

"This. Your feelings. How much you miss me. How angry you are at me for leaving you alone."

There was no need to answer; James could feel the truth anyway.

"I bet Logan and Carlos are worried about you."

"Yeah, well...it's not their business."

"Yes, it is. They're your best friends."

"_You're_ my best friend."

"True, but I can't be out there with you. Your life still goes on and you have to live it."

"I don't want to," Kendall admitted. "I just want to be in here with you."

"You can't do that."

"Logan tried to tell me the same thing."

"He would," James chuckled. "But he's right. Have you shut them out completely?"

"Not completely," Kendall hedged.

"Kendall, you know you can't lie to me."

"Well, what do you want me to say? I don't want to talk about you, not with anybody. And it's fine, they have each other to lean on."

"But you have nobody."

"I have you."

"Not if you plan on erasing this and starting fresh next time. Don't do it, Kendall. Let me remember so that we can talk about it."

"I don't want to talk about it, why can't you understand that?"

"Because I love you and I want you to be happy."

"Don't even think about telling me to find someone else. That's never gonna happen."

"Whoa, slow down, I didn't say I wanted you to move on. I said I want you to be happy. And...if you move on, you'll spend less time here and I won't see you and..."

James' breathing became shallow in the same way it used to when he was scared. Kendall kissed him; the joining of their lips worked as a soothing balm, as it always had for both of them. "I'll never forget you," Kendall promised. "I'm too busy for a boyfriend, anyway."

"You always made time for me," James smirked.

"That's because we worked together. We planned that, remember?"

"So we did." James' eyes twinkled with love. He rubbed their noses together. "See how much better this is? Everything out in the open, and you not trying so hard to keep your shit together?"

"I'm still sad."

"But it's okay to be sad. We can be sad together. We can talk about it, you can tell me everything you're feeling and get it out. Then we can fuck like rabbits until you get called to the bridge, and everybody wins."

"I miss you," Kendall stated, but this time he was laughing as he said it; he never would've imagined that to be possible.

James brushed Kendall's bangs off his forehead and kissed it. "I never left."

"Yeah, tell me that when I'm lying alone in my bed every night wishing you were there."

"Well, there's no rule stating you have to sleep in the captain's quarters. Other crew members sleep with their partners at night, why can't you? We can create that here."

"Oh, sure, that would go over well with Logan. 'I've decided to sleep in the Holodeck with my imaginary boyfriend every night. That's cool, right?' He'd have me replaced before we even reach Risa."

"Kendall, you're the damn captain. You make the rules. And I'm not imaginary, I was real once."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like that. You certainly feel real enough to me."

"Good. That was the goal. I wanted you to have me around to talk through your days with, to help you the way I did before I died." James hugged Kendall tighter. "Bring Logan in here next time. Let me talk to him. I'll explain that this is part of your grief process and that I purposely set it up that way, included all of my memories up to that point so I know how to counsel you through it. It's actually cathartic."

"Is the sex? Can I pass that off as part of the grief process, too?"

"There you go, getting naughty on me again." James used his teeth to tug on Kendall's earlobe, eliciting a whine that Kendall would never have made in the presence of anyone else. "Sex is a healthy pastime. It helps you relax, keeps the stress away. A good captain should have sex at least once a day."

"I try, but Logan judges me for it."

"Next time remind him of how cranky he gets without it. Carlos told me once that if Logan doesn't get it every night, he's pissy all day."

"Oh, is that what's wrong with him 90% of the time?" Kendall joked.

"Stop it, you know you love him."

"I do," Kendall sighed. He nuzzled James' neck. "He made me promise to go down to the planet with them when we get to Risa. He's worried about me."

"Are you going to?"

"Yeah. Just for a few hours, though. He said I can come back here for the rest of the day. If that's okay with you?"

"Like I'm gonna say no?"

Kendall smiled. "You could, you know. If you ever get sick of me and need a few days to yourself, just tell me and—"

"Kendall, we've spent practically every day together since day one at the Academy. Have I ever gotten sick of you?"

"I don't know. Would you tell me if you did?"

"Probably not, but you'd know. You'd sense it. Trust me, I'm not going to get sick of you. But I might get tired of this place if we meet here every day. Where else do you want to go with me?"

It was a no-brainer. "Computer. Location change. Captain's quarters. Night time."

"Program adapted."

They were still wearing the outfits they'd had on at the park, but that wasn't a problem. Within two minutes all clothing had been tossed to the carpet and Kendall was moving inside James while their lips stayed pressed together as if sewn that way.

"Screw Logan," Kendall eventually breathed into James' mouth. "I'm sleeping here every night."

James grinned, his legs tightening around Kendall to pull him deeper. "All part of the grief process I designed for you."

"Mmm. I may be grieving for the rest of my life."

"As long as I get a wedding and kids out of the deal, I'm not going anywhere."

And he wouldn't, because he wasn't real. And yet, in this moment he felt more real than anything ever had to Kendall. Life would go on, and Kendall would follow the destiny James knew he was supposed to. In here, there would be James at his side to share it with. He'd thought that when James died he was cheated out of the life they'd planned together; he could still have it, or at least a fabricated version of it that was real enough to satisfy his needs.

When he later closed his eyes and felt the press of James' soft lips to his temple, Kendall was at peace. The grief process wasn't nearly as bad as he'd feared.


End file.
